MEMBER STORY - Zoe

It’s hard to think about where to begin, or what to write when I’m trying to describe my journey from harmful substance use into recovery. My life is so far from where it once was. For 6 years I couldn’t stop using drugs, and at the time I didn’t understand why. For a while it was because I wanted to, it made me feel better and made me feel like I could meet the standards of life that are expected of us. But then the choice was taken away, I wasn’t choosing to use anymore. I had to. It became survival. I didn’t know who I was, or what to do unless I was using.
Recovery is not what I thought it would be. I thought it was just remaining abstinent from drugs, I didn’t realise it would involve a complete evaluation of my life and understanding why I ended up in the cycle of addiction in the first place.

It was challenging, but it was worth it. I came to understand that a multitude of adverse childhood experiences caused me to feel and think a certain way about myself. That I wasn’t good enough, I was unworthy and that there was something inherently wrong with me. Drugs made those thoughts and feelings disappear for a while; it made sense to me that I continued to use them to escape the way I felt about myself.

Recovery meant reconnecting to all those painful beliefs and feelings and finding evidence to prove that they were not the truth. It has meant feeling anxious about things and doing those things despite the anxiety. It has meant finding compassion for myself and forgiving myself for things I did that were outside what I value. It has meant believing in myself, and constantly challenging myself to grow regardless of the fear of failure. Most importantly my recovery has been about reconnecting to myself. I spent so many years disconnected, and wanting to escape who I was. The thought of being with myself again was terrifying.

If you had told me 5 years ago, who I would be today, I wouldn’t have believed you. If you had told me I would have given up drugs, that I would have stopped smoking, that I would be running close to 10km, I wouldn’t have believed you. If you had told me that I would not only like myself, but be proud of the person I am, I would not have believed you. But I sit here today, in absolute disbelief of how far I have come. Life felt so hopeless 5 years ago, and today it is the complete opposite. I am no longer isolated; I am connected to my loved ones. I have a job I love; I am fit and healthy. I laugh and smile constantly, and I am not afraid of myself or my feelings. I trust myself and believe in myself. And that is a gift I didn’t expect to get from recovery, but it’s my favourite one.

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